Sunday, November 27, 2011


Ok first off I must apologise for the lack of blogging of late…  but don’t worry the rest of the trip ones are still coming…Only 6 days left and I am procrastinating on them because it is a week’s worth of work each blog and I have been busy well getting a life… 
sunset shots on the way home from the week 1 shoot 
Also I have been yet again struggling with a healthy head space and I didn’t want that on the blog… 
But now things are getting closer to closer to the end of the year this little missy is getting busier…
sunset shots on the way home from the week 1 shoot 
But I have to say it has been a busy time in which I have made new friends, pushed myself physically and creatively.  I did the next stage of the online photography course that I did 2 years ago and made some awesome friends with the evolve gals.  It was amazing.  The first week blew me away with the sheer scope of the talent once again assembled in Sheyes Eye Candy Course.
sunset shots on the way home from the week 1 shoot 
Once again given that I don’t consider myself to be a professional, I felt in awe, intimidated by the work, felt like a outsider because everyone seem to know each other from the recent explore courses. But as usual the wonderful sheye and fran welcomed everyone with loving arms through encouragement and inspired us all. 
Week 1 - the original selection since I couldn't find a compass 
So this is my first weeks post…along with all the different photographs from each week  You have to understand where this came from… the sheer outpouring of grief, despair, happiness, insecurity, loneliness, etc that we saw from everyone was outstanding and it blew me away as well as the amazing photographs. 
Week 1 - my passport guiding me to where I need to be ... where I belong overseas! 
But once again the girls were a amazing support network and I have had the amazing pleasure of meeting some of them and a certain crazy scot many a time…  She and I kindered spirits in our loves of all things chocolate, twilight, night time photography, travel and many more…  So thank you my wonderful girls you may never know the impact that you had on my life so I can’t thank you enough… 
Sunflare was a big topic...  This one is from the columbia Icefields 
So Week 1… THE POST 
(the other side of you - the side that the real world doesn't see) 
I want to apologise for how long this is but it was too hard to edit… One of my friends from explore told me to brave and publish all of it… so this is me being brave..
Me being brave and travelling the world..  Bow lake - Rockies 
Right now I see my life like the compass on the ocean shore… in need of direction. Also I am able to see the other perspective … it is carefree never staying one place too long – also able to guide me to where I want to go and hopefully guide me back to happiness. 
Week 1 - Compass...  guiding me back hopefully 
So many words have been flowing through me and reading everyone’s words and thoughts it has made for an interesting week … with words like unsettled, restlessness, and finally lost all being part of the thought pattern. 
Favourite images...  Peyto Lake 
Here I am a week out from my 37th birthday and there is one word for my life right now is lost   I feel like I am stuck, at a cross roads, not wanting to be here but I want to be where I was a year ago… NYC and travelling, happy and finding me again.  While I feel selfish sharing this given what everyone has and is going through… but the public Eileen is very very different to the private and I rarely show this Eileen and that is the task….
Mt Glorious - Sunflare 
My life right now:
And many more words come to mind… 
Another Favourite - Washington Depot Autumn Colours 
For the last 2 years everything has been building up … the loss of love, the blackness, the loneliness, feeling lost and not wanting to be here; let alone alive… but it is time to try and make some decisions…  I know I can’t have kids so that is not on the cards for me, or marriage in which I gave up on those dreams long time ago...… I hate my job…   so what else can I do, if work is all I have…  where do I move forward from here …I doubt myself at every turn, feel in awe of other peoples work … feel like my photography doesn’t even compete… but I love it too much to give it away…    
Sunflare fav 
There are times I feel that I have forgotten what it feels to be valued and loved by someone…  To wrap their arms around me and tell me that I worthy of them and valued by them.  But given my current lost feeling it is simply not fair to bring someone in my life … not knowing where I will be in 12 months let alone 6 months. 
My models in Melbourne :) thanks guys 
I have always felt like I was destined for a different life but never known how to reach it…  I thought I did earlier this year.   I feel so lost because the dreams I have had have all been killed by redundancy, natural disasters and small issues of working visas. So how do I shake this and believe in myself along have the confidence to go forward… but I need to soothe the itchy feet to feel more settled and I belong somewhere… 
I love this photo ..  
As someone said to me very eloquently through my depression tears not too long ago… You have to fix you before you get your dream which is within your reach…  but my question to the universe how do I that… how do I discard years of self-loathing, self-doubt…  loss of confidence in my own decision making.  It is a question that goes unanswered … but I need to start the process of repairing me just not sure how…
A old sunflare favourite... Cayden in 2009
Week 2
We had to use our word from the first week and make a connection with a real life human being…  Having absolutely no time that week along with being in Melbourne for the birthday and work I had to get creative. 
Edited - Week 2 - Lost 
SOOC - no editing 
Week 3 – was just editing … but here are my results… 
I tend to go dark with my editing...
but it is always challenging editing someone's work
Scattered through this blog post are the different images I used during the 4 weeks of the course... 
Week 4 - Balloon Fun
Week 4 -   The Signature image – which was supposed to highlight how we photograph most of the time…  
Week 4 - Signature Image 
so I put the call out to some of my friends…  they came back with landscapes, colours, and sun…  so this is my fav image…
Small bit of editing 
  and it was one of those days when everything was on a tight schedule with 2 day early submission. 
Black and white and colours.. :) 
So with balloons exploding, too much wind, change of location, needing to edit and get home and changed showered out the door for a dinner.  This is what I ended up with…   
Week 4 - Balloon Fun
Week 4 - Balloon Fun
Week 4 - Balloon Fun
Week 4 - Balloon Fun
Week 4 - Balloon Fun
Week 4 - Balloon Fun
Week 4 - Balloon Fun
Week 4 - Balloon Fun
Week 4 - Balloon Fun

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Day 41 - Top of the Rock

Headed towards Top of the Rock and got my entry ticket … little did I know it would take so long.  I got the 5 pm entry … but be warned it can take up to 1-2 hours to get up there because they only allow a certain amount of people on the viewing decks at any one time. While you can stay up there as long as you want there are only so many people that they allow.
So I wandered around Rockefeller centre with a stop at the ice skating rink along with a couple of shops since I had a hour to kill.  Along with J Crew and Anthropologie which I just loved… just wasn’t skinny enough.  
But I do love how the shop assistants look you up and down and deem you not good enough to shop in your store. Yes I know I look like a dag but I was a branded dag at least… sheesh not impressed… 
It was exhausting waiting that long with everyone pushing and shoving trying to get into the elevators first…  Somer Certain other nationalities are just rude!  Just saying!  They feel they are entitled or something! 
But made it up there eventually… busting for a toilet and glad not to be squashed in … and just in time for the sunset… 
So annoyed that I only got the last few seconds also annoyed this is the only day that I took my tripod out. My backpack was heavy so I was trying to be responsible.
But the sunset that I saw was simply amazing…  But I wish people who didn’t know how to take photos with a DSLR would offer to take them.  I had a guy who had a canon and my photo still came blurry even though I told him to wait for the beep and the green square on the screen. 
I prefer to self-portrait thank you very much.  I think I spent over an hour up there it was so much fun and watching the city change as it got darker.  I just used the wall to stabilise and the auto feature with no flash to take the photos and they turned out ok.
Good thing about the top of the rock is the lack of mobile reception … no messages … but I knew what time I had to be down by and that was the important thing.  But it was nice to have a break from it for a hour or so. 
I highly recommend the Top of the rock but allow at least 2- 4 hours if you are going up during the day or sunset. But after 9pm the line is not as bad. 
I made my way back down around 8pm because I think I had been up there since 5ish so my feet were starting to feel tired and I was looking forward to dinner.  
So I headed to the subway and got on the wrong one… soooo annoyed because I ended up at 110th because I caught the B or A train when I need the C or D…  someone was getting impatient for me to get home…  But he was coming back into the city with his car so luckily he got stuck in traffic. 
But finally made it home … quick second change and handbag and ready for my date… just wish I had time for a shower oh well later.  He had arrived with a perfect park right outside my front door but we just walked down to Amsterdam avenue and headed to bella luna which was lovely and yummy. 
Only drawback about him… the smoking… ewww and the aggression or as he puts it determination.  It is hard to handle but overall a nice guy but it is what it is … holiday fun…. 
He headed back to the burbs because he likes to see the sky and grass under his toes… either that to the girlfriend or wife that he claimed he didn’t have! 
So I headed off to bed but felt like I wasted the day a bit because of the shopping and then spending so long at Top of the rock… but overall great day.  I had a busy busy day the following day so I headed to bed feeling exhausted but glad I had my first real official date in over a year.
While it was good to date again, I still don’t feel I am ready for a relationship but man I had fun. I laughed, smiled and got kissed…  which to me is the perfect ingredients… 
While I don’t think he reads this but thanks gorgeous…I really enjoyed our date and it still to do this day makes me smile… 
While I don’t think we would have ended up together… we would have fun finding it out.. While I shouldn’t probably be revealing as much this …  but I did promise myself complete honesty in this blog…so thank you mr… for being you and not sacrificing who you are …  
One of the most brash, honest, upfront people I have met with a heart of gold under that tough black exterior.  Hopefully we will catch up again on the weekend…